not important

I'm not even going to bother to calculate how long its been since I last posted...and I'm not even going to take the time to come up with some catchy relevant title. It just doesn't matter and its just not that important. This is life, beautiful, frazzled at times, painfully stretching....and hopefully, by one choice at a time, an abundant life.

Right now, where I'm at, I feel frazzled, distracted, tired....but at least not apathetic. Not blatantly apathetic. What I long for is what this hymn ends with....Oh, the bitter shame and sorrow

Oh, the bitter shame and sorrow,
  That a time could ever be,
When I let the Savior's pity
Plead in vain, and proudly answered,
  All of self, and none of Thee,
  All of self and none of Thee.

Yet He found me; I beheld Him
  Bleeding on the cursed tree;
Heard Him pray, Forgive them, Father,
And my wistful heart said faintly,
  Some of self, and some of Thee,
  Some of self, and some of Thee.

Day by day His tender mercy,
  Healing, helping, full and free,
Sweet and strong, and ah! so patient,
Brought me lower while I whispered,
  Less of self, and more of Thee,
  Less of self, and more of Thee.

Higher than the highest heavens,
  Deeper than the deepest sea,
Lord, Thy love at last hath conquered;
Grant me now my heart's petition,
  None of self, and all of Thee,
  None of self, and all of Thee.

Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/h/435#ixzz1d78Um2ck


My heart, my new self in Christ, longs for the last two lines to be true. None of self, and all of Thee. Sadly though I feel like I'm only at stanza 2, and some days stanza 1. How I truly long to believe, in heart and mind, like Paul in 1 Timothy 1:15 that I am the worst sinner of all. It is this humility, this recognition, that brings us so desperately to the foot of the cross. Its at the foot of the cross that we are offered the fullest life, the life where I am abiding in Christ.
Why is this so hard? Why do I continue to think something of myself, to do things by my power, for my glory? Why am I so afraid to admit to everyone, including myself, what a sinner I am? 


Help me let go Christ. Help me choose joy, choose eucharisteo, choose none of self, and choose all of Thee.